6 ways to recover from not having shaved

We’ve all been there. Last minute “let’s go to the beach!”s, or impromptu outings that require you and all your friends to wear matching sleeveless shirts (this has never happened to me or anyone ever for that matter lmao because why would it), or your mom’s friends asking you to try on something sexy for them because they love making you feel awkward. All the while both your mind and your body are telling you DONT DO ITTTT because under them jeans and under that t-shirt you look like this:

HairyGuy

Some women have embraced the au-naturel look and don’t care if they look like the man above (except cuter) but I am definitely not one to willingly leave the house looking like I breed tarantulas in my underarms. (I tried to find a stock image of this because I really want you to imagine what I’m picturing because it’s so accurate and so disturbing. But for some reason “tarantula underarms” doesn’t yield the types of results I’m looking for.) Refer to pic below to understand:

tarantulaunderarm

Sidenote: that picture took me WAY too long to make LOL I don’t have any cool editing programs so I definitely used paint and had to clear all the white parts between the tarantula legs. But it looks how I imagined in my head. #TARANTULAPITS

I feel most females who mind body hair keep up with the self-grooming, but obvy there are times where we are in between waxes or shaves where there isn’t enough to eliminate but there’s still enough to notice. Or maybe its winter and were just givin our legs a break from the torture which is shaving. Or maybe we is just muhfkin lazy and would rather live in pants and turtlenecks than take care of our situation(s).

And for these times, we never anticipate that maybe we will need to reveal those parts of us which we shouldn’t because they look like my front lawn. But because we don’t anticipate it, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS DAMNIT. The following are some ways you can save face when our circumstances threaten to reveal our unwanted body hair and dry shaving isn’t an option:

dryshavingmeme

Sidenote: I realize now that I should stop writing this post because I use and have used all of these to avoid awkwardness. And now you will all know when I have been too lazy to shave/wax. Oh well…

yolooscar

1) Use your body to conceal. You know what that means. You can sit or stand in certain ways that will easily hide your relation to cousin It. Got underarm hair? I swear to God, keep those bad boys glued to your sides.

batman

Upperlip hair? Do what my friend does and always cover your mouth with your hand. Here is Serena hiding her stache so nicely, and still managing to look cute:

gossipgirl

Leg hair is a bit harder to conceal. If you’re sitting down you can cross them and kinda drape your arms to cover the parts that are visible. If you’re standing, you can dance. If you don’t stop moving, no one will see anything because they’ll be too distracted by your sweet moves!

tina fey dance

And if that doesn’t work:

2) Use objects to cover yourself. So what if it’s 40 degrees out? This snuggie is comfy AF! Use your imagination and let your surroundings inspire how you decide to cover up.

Hide your hairy parts by hiding and staying behind objects. Here is a way you can safely engage in real conversation without ever being discovered:

hiding-behind-trees-change1

You can use babies or large animals to cover your hairy legs:

huge-lap-dog

If you’re really creative you might even want to pull one of these:

bush camo

3) You’re too cool. You’re too cool for the beach. You’re too cool for shorts. You’re too cool to try shit on for others. You just don’t care enough to do anything. When someone’s like “omg you know what would be so fun right now!?! If we went SWIMMING!!!” just pull one of these:

nooprahgif

4) You’re very ticklish. Oh you didn’t know? I’m superrr ticklish and giggle whenever you try and touch my legs because I’m really sensitive and I can’t handle even the slightest touch without falling out of my seat. Even if no actual contact is made, you gotta be like this:

stanleylaugh

5) You have the strongest values ever. Ya shorts are harram…I don’t feel comfortable showing that much skin. Also you touching me there? Not goin to happen because ya, although it already happened maybe every time before, I’ve changed my ways and I respect myself way too much.

6) You’re on your period. This excuse is the best because it doesn’t have to make sense in order to be used. Try thinking of all the possible scenarios you can that would require you to reveal your hairy bod and answer them with “I would, but I’m on my period.” JEENYUS

I’m not saying all women should shave or wax. Hellz no babygirls do as you please and whatever you feel comfortable doin. I think it’s awesome that some women can be so chill about that kinda stuff because lord knows how many hours I would’ve saved in my lifetime if I didn’t have to worry about body hair. Seriously, shaving/waxing is my part-time job. I think almost every day some time is spent on some sort of shaving, waxing, epilating, tweezing or whatever, and if I’m not doing it, you best believe I’m thinking bout it! Maybe one day my preferences will change but right now, I personally prefer not having 5’oclock shadow legs and I just sure as heck am not ready to embrace tarantulapits. #tarantulapitsnotftw

5 reasons you shouldn’t buy Toms

Toms. ARE THE WORST. They look suuuups cute with skinnies and shorts and fun pants and are the best for lazy ppl and are a cooler version of flats, but god are they the worst!

I’m not tryna hate on a specific brand or anything because let’s be honest, there are worst things out there. Also, i will probably cave and end up buying another pair because they’re just so convenient and work with anything (PSYCH more like I’m a basic btch). I’m definitely thinking of the olive-green ones next haaay. But still, I will walk you through reasons why I strongly feel your next summer/fall easy slip-on shoes should not be toms.

1) THE’YRE PRICEY Y’ALL. not the priciest at like 55-60 a pair, but damnit, converse are cheaper and they’re actual shoes. These are just little shitty fabric tings with yeah leather insoles, but I feel like you can definitely find other shoes that are a better deal and better qual. Also, they’re supposed to donate a pair of shoes for every pair you buy….baby girl. everyone has a pair of clean usable shoes at home that no one uses. just donate any pair you have lying around that are probably unworn. and while you’re at it, go through your closet and donate a bunch of other things you don’t wear/won’t wear/shouldn’t wear/can’t wear. I use the 3 year rule which is if you haven’t worn it in the past 3 years, you’re probably never wearing it again soooo give it to someone who will. You already know ill be waiting at the value village with my hands open and my face like this when i see all the new (old) merch:

creepysmile

2) They’re not even that comfortable: They’re not uncomfortable, but they’re no asics lol. You can’t walk in them all day because they’re really flat so your soles will start to hate you. I didn’t have to break mine in because my feet are sweeties but I hear this is a common problem.

3) They break. At one point I couldn’t remember if I had worn sandals or shoes one day because of how much toe was visible lool. Not really though, there were a few holes in the toe area and the heel was all worn out. Granted, I wore them all summer but I mean, kamaaan the leather insoles was still good but for shame for the rest.

Sidenote: I just saw a post on pinterest on how to turn beat up toms into sandals.

toms

THIS IS REAL wtfzzz. Just shows you how much they rip. Babygirls are feeling bad cuz they done dropped 60 dollhairs on shitty shoes so they gotta make themselves feel less bad and be like “it doesn’t even matter because now I have even cuter sandals lolz I actually like them better this way”.

no gif

4) They smell. ooooh wee the smell. Toms. smell so bad. You ever see a really cute girl wearin some shorts, a cute tank, maybe she has on some cool shades. She wearin toms tho? LOL HER FEET STINK LOLOLOLOL GROSS. and this is not just my personal experience. this is EVERYONE. ask anyone with toms. that’s just what happens when you sweat and its hot and your feet are trapped in fabric and leather + the snugness. you can try by wearin those lame halfsocks with your toms to prevent them from smelling so bad but i mean, that is mainly the reason one wears toms. Theyre sewwww easy.

socks meme

5) Boys+Toms=Noooooo. This is a two parter to 4) regarding smell. Im not talking about boys wearing toms, because babygirl thats an entire post on its own. We need to stay focused on the current issue at hand. Although they might make your outfit look cute n fun n casual and your feet look hella small in them so #femininepoints but aint nothing feminine about the smell when you take them off in enclosed areas. If you’re ever with a boy you are tryna be all cute with and you just feel like giving your feet a break and breezin them toes out, ask yourself these questions. Are you in a car? Are you at the movies? Are you on a study date at the library? Are you at dinner? Are you in his room? Are you just in close proximity to him? If you answered YES to any of the questions above, KEEP THEM SHOES ON BABYGIRL!!!!!! Also, shame on you #keepithalal. Especially the last 2. come on now. (Wait until after ramadan at least. Who am i kidding; after maghrib lolol joking).

Once while hanging with a boy he tried to be fun and flirty by stealing my shoe. It was a hot day. We had been walking around all day. I was wearing Toms. It was cute but i couldn’t risk it. Along with me yelling viciously for him to give it back, this was my reaction when that foot was released from its health code violating living conditions:

I’m not saying they’re the worst things to buy, because let’s be honest, im looking at a pair of cute crochet ones right now and just added them to my shoppin cart (lolz with what money doe). Just be aware of the consequences of taking them off in public. Your girls will forgive you always and probably not care. I for one do not care if you are my friend because i understand its unavoidable. But babygirl, boys neverrr forget that shit.

I’m all wet, can i come in?

I apologize if the title of this entry is a little misleading. It’s kind of like youtube videos that show thumbnails of ass n titties and it’s just a random Asian dude reviewing the latest GTA game. While you might be expecting elisha cuthbert as the sexy girl next door:

elishagiff

I’m actually referring to chronic sweating…so something a little more along the lines of this:

airplane sweat

Even though I don’t think I have chronic sweating because I’m not constantly sweating and don’t have to change my shirt like 10 times a day because of pit stains and don’t have to use special $300 deodorant, I definitely sweat more than the average super cute girl.

LOLZ who am i kidding I look like this after simply one flight of stairs. DOWNstairs:

wet mila

(P.s. you can only imagine the pictures I had to browse through to get the stock image above if you can imagine the search words i had to put in. Let’s just say my parental control on my google is not activated and lets just say I think I broke my fast. I should’ve just stuck with an animal and searched wet dog or something. I could’ve still been on the ramadan train.)

One time I was out and this boy asked me to dance. Before I even replied he asked me “Did you just get out of the shower”.  I remember thinking did he think I just got out of it, clothes and all, and ran to meet my friends all in under 5 minutes, drenched and with no time to dry? Needless to say, we never danced. Another time some dude was walking by me and his hand happened to graze my lower back and i knew he felt the dampness and already my face was like this:

horrified-face

Him: “Why are you so wet?!!”

grossedout

Sidenote: This is the only time a guy will be disgusted when asking that question. All other times, they will be like this:

“Why are you so wet”

creepy-pedo-smile

Said in the creepiest voice you can handle.

Anytime I’m at a wedding or any kind of environment that requires me to bust a move (which I do, always, even if the general public would more so benefit from me not dancing, ever), by the end of the night, you best believe I’m drenched in sweat. My forehead is shiny as FCK, touching my back feels like when you run your hand through those wall fountains in fancy lobbies that just have water running in circulation, my eyeliner is suuuper racoony, and i need to walk with my legs a little apart because the moistness is too real (or unreal). This is a big reason why i don’t wear foundation or cover up; it just gets sweated off within minutes from just doing one of these:

paulrudd giff

LOL sidenote: so I had my itunes playing and Lauryn Hill’s every ghetto, every city came on after posting the paul rudd gif and that lead me to spending the past half hour playing 8 million different songs (so like 6) and watching paul rudd dance to my music. After I finish this post you best believe ill be snapchatting my entire contact list annoying dancing gifs+kanye music snaps. And when I say after I finish this post I mean right muthfckin now. #brb

( insert 5 hours of laughing by myself #tragic #needajob #needalife)

I have to come up with a solution for my sweaty bod. Thankfully my hands and feet don’t get sweaty so I be shakin everybody’s hand whether I know em or not. But the rest of me is just like so gross and slimy; my neck, my back, my —–  and my —–*censored*. And my legs and stomach and nose and upperlip (you would think my stache would at least have my back and come in handy for something but nah) and just about everything, so I would definitely choose sweaty palms over overall sweaty.

Besides deciding that i will get botox injections into every crevice of my body when I can afford it to numb my sweat glands, I have come up with some somewhat effective to not-at-all-not-even-worth-mentioning techniques that I have come to adopt as routine.

If i know I will be in crazy hot weather or if there’s a possibility some dancing will take place, i usually do the following:

1) SHOWER obvy. me showering is a rare happening but is essential to making sure that although it will not prevent you from sweating, you will at least not be smelly. Oh and give yourself proper drying time lol…I so wish I were joking.

airout

2) GO HAM with the deo. Seriously. just apply that shit everywhere. and liberally. It can’t be good for you and I’m pretty sure deodorant has cancer-causing somethings, but in the moment when you are worrying about the night’s sweat to come, all logic is lost babygirl. I used to get my friends to apply deo to my back before going out LOL *loses all male followers* (which is none because I have zero male followers. also zero followers in general #followforfollow? no?).

Bathe in that shit!

shavingcream

My favourite  deo, hands down (because even tho I’m wearin deo I’m not ready for my hands to be up) is secret outlast:

Secret-Outlast

It doesn’t do much for me in making sure I stay dry (refer to gifs above), but at least I will never smell. That is one thing that is unforgivable. Smelly sweat. I also use the spray deodorant sometimes on my body instead (not on my underarms!) but to be honest it doesn’t make a difference in preventing drippage. It’s just a way to show ppl that i am conscious of my problem and am making an effort hahah.

3) Pack some loose powder(that translucent stuff)/powder concealer for touch ups. Your face might look hilarious but it’ll soak up the moisture enough for a few twerks before the next reapp.

Sweating can be really embarrassing, especially when in close proximity to others because it then becomes your duty to have to always alert those around you and be like” BABYGIRL PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME AT YOUR OWN RISK” and also “SHOTTY the back of the “follow the leada” line!!” so no one has to be uncomfortable and feel like their hands are on a slipnslide when really they’re just your shoulders. Or if it’s an important event and MAN you just want to look cute but you can’t because you’re constantly wiping a tsunami off your face and airing out the back of your shirt. I have yet to find a good way to not eliminate, but at least reduce the sweating but I guess it could be worst. Because there are so many other embarrassing things our bodies can do. Like imagine having chronic bad breath or I don’t know, just being really gassy all the time. If you struggle with some kind of embarrassing bodily function you’re not alone! I got your back (but trust me, you do not want to have mine.)

 

Babygirls with mustaches

This is a topic that hits hard because i was once one, and am still one to this day. Sometimes someone will show me their adorable little baby girl or cute little toddler cousin or pretty 6-year-old girl sister and indeed they are all so precious and such but they will all have one thing in common: a stache #nomovember. Not just a little cute blonde stache that is only visible when covered with milk. I’m talking about a dark fuzziness that lingers over that cute girl’s mouth and is noticeable by everyone except for old people and arab parents. WHY don’t parents notice girl staches. Staches and unibrows. It’s like they are blinded by the love they have for their little angels that they are unable to realize their precious little peaches are actually full-blown marios and luigis. I remember getting teased up until grade 7 for having a stache and basically not looking like the cute delicate girl one expects from a 12-year-old. All the girls around me looked like this:

miley

While I’m out here looking like this:

indian man

If it weren’t for my unexplained and unreasonable confidence, the light mustache teasing (the teasing: light, the mustache: dark) could have had an impact that could have been much more worst on my self-esteem. My little cousin was being teased for her fuzzy lip and I didn’t know how to help her without just telling her to wax that shit off, because that will surely cause her to be overly concerned with the way she looks. She shouldn’t have to wax at a young age just to please the hairless white boys (because they are always the ring leaders of this kind of teasing). And how young is too young to get your upper lip or eyebrows waxed? I got mine done for the first time in grade 7 (meaning I was 12/13) because my aunt made me. I didn’t even know what was happening until the actual moment it was happening. She had taken me along with her to get her [insert all body parts here] waxed and when she was done she told me to get up on the wax table. I listened because I’m a good Arab girl and then all of a sudden I’m lying down on this wax table and my aunt and this lady are peering over me while my aunt is pointing at parts of my face and telling the lady to “clean it”.

Next thing you know there’s a hot something being spread above my mouth, some pressing down and all of a sudden..RIPPPP. and I don’t think I knew cuss words at the time but you best believe I dropped some serious F bombs in that moment (still in my head, of course. not tryna get my mouth waxed off too). Next were my eyebrows and all of it happened so fast. When I got off the waxing table my aunt handed me a hand mirror and exclaimed “look! you’re so clean now!”. I looked back at my reflection and  saw that instead of a “clean” girl, I looked like someone had punched me right between the eyes, and slapped up my forehead a bit and even had the audacity to throw a basketball at my mouth. I looked so shocked and confused and red. This was me but with a red forehead as well:

Boy_shocked_face

I remember looking at myself for the first time without bushy eyebrows and a mustache. It did look cleaner but the skin was so red and sore I was scared the kids at school would notice the difference. The truth is, when you get teased about something, when that something goes away, you get teased for its disappearance. Kids are ruthless. If a kid gets teased for being fat and then loses a bunch of weight, he gets made fun of for losing weight. YOU CAN NEVER WIN GODDAMMIT.

So anyways I get on the bus to school the next morning and I feel like no one will even notice because all the redness had disappeared and it’s not like these damn kids are on mustache duty, tryna make sure all these hairy brown girls’ mustaches are present and accounted for. Well apparently they were, and apparently my upperlip didn’t pass inspection because this one kid named Thomas (FCKING THOMAS) noticed the change right away and, being the righteous, noble, and virtuous person he was, felt it was his duty to alert the officials immediately.  “Hey sarah…did you…did you..*shocked look* YOU SHAVED YOUR MUSTACHE?!? HEY! HEY GUYS! HEY GUYS LOOK! SARAH SHAVED HER MUSTACHE LOLOLOLOL”

Me:

fainted

Needless to say, after that incident, there were only a few more reminders that I had my mustache club membership revoked before the teasing then ended. I could finally get back to being teased for other, normal things, like being fat, dressing like a boy, being bad at literally everything, and not being white. #bliss

But damn, I wish I could say that the solution to this is to teach kids to accept others for their differences and that teasing hurts and so on, and that we need to be more aware and put an end to bullying. And all this is true, but kids are just shitty people and they tease and will always tease. And sometimes…the solution is just to WAX THE STACHE unfortunately. It’s already hard as it is being a kid these days and it doesn’t help when your daughter looks like a son. If I am lucky enough to have a daughter (because lord knows with my luck I’ll end up having 14 sons whilst being virgin mary) I will (because she will obviously  have one with my genes) let her wax her stache at an early age (not too early. Not tryna put hot wax on a baby) if she is bothered by it. Eyebrows and leghair can wait but I feel for my babygirls with mustaches.