The 7 worst types of people you find on a plane

I love travelling but I hate planes. I get so restless and antsy and bored and I would sleep if I could but you already know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in them economy seats. Aisle seats are awesome for washroom trips but terrible for sleeping.

Sidenote: I never actually have to use the washroom. I just make a few “washroom trips” so i can make eye contact with all da cute boys on my way to the washroom. At least that’s what I hope for but there are NEVER cute boys on planes. Just this:

oldmenplane

#justcutemen

I tried to look up a picture to demonstrate just how uncomfortable it is but I couldn’t find what i was looking for. I wanted to find an image that captured that awful pain of having your head perpendicular to your neck but none existed.

Sidenote: I don’t know why but the first thing i searched when looking for a plane sleeping pic was “kanye sleeping” and holy f da results. So many sleepy kanyes.

Instead here is a drawing to illustrate the plane aisle sleep pains:

sleepyplane

This picture is super accurate except for one thing: it is slightly censored. This is much more accurate:

sleepyplane2

Sidenote: Chill my hand is only there because it’s a warm spot and planes be cold af.

You would think that spending your flight fighting the development of osteoarthritis would be enough, but unfortunately some of the passengers on the plane sitting next to you know how to make it that much worse. The following are the 7 worst types of people you can find on a plane:

1. The recliner: This person is technically the worst person to sit behind. This is the person who doesn’t ask you if they can recline their seat and just does it abruptly while you’re doing one of these:

airplane-sleep

Once I was on a flight sitting next to a cute asian girl wearing a huge canada goose jacket. Everything was cool; she was quietly sitting in her hot jacket with her elbows on the food tray and her head in her hands and I was listening to some baby-making music on my ipod and every now and then I would look over at her and give her a sweet smile. All of a sudden, the man in front of her decided to recline his seat all the way back without asking her or giving her a heads up and because she was sitting far up in her seat and her jacket was so big she started getting crushed by the seat in front. The goose fur and the seat got all up in her lungs and all she could manage to say was “so….crose” and I was just watching with this confused look on my face because I thought she said gross but she said close.

I can’t remember how she was rescued but it wasn’t me because I was too busy staring in disbelief but also listening to d’angelo and feelin some type of way. I think The recliner somehow sensed he was crushing a small girl and released his chair and babygirl was left trying to catch her breath. I gave her one those “hmm…sucks that that just happened eh” looks and turned back to my seat. There was not much to say because if you are behind a recliner your only options are to sit there with a stupid look on your face and be uncomfortable meanwhile The recliner is in ergonomic paradise, or recline your own chair against your will and even though you felt like reading a book nope you’re now takin a nap babygirl.

2. The traveler: This is for when you get stuck in the aisle and there are 5 people sitting next to you who all depend on you to get up out of your seat to satisfy their tiny bladder needs. The courteous thing to do, if you are a middle or window seater, is to stay the fck seated unless you really need to get up. If you seriously gotta use the washroom or if the person sitting next to you is suspicious looking and you can hear a ticking sound coming from them and you need to inform someone; fine. Ask to be let out. Other then that…

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3. The storyteller: This person makes it impossible to sleep or watch a movie or read a book because they have so much to share with you. It’s nice at first because they will usually break the ice as soon as you sit down asking about where you’re off to and if you’ve been there before. Just don’t get too chummy! The storyteller is always looking to share their life experiences with someone and does not care about what you want to do. Once on a flight I had finally mustered up the courage to tell the sweet older lady next to me that I was going to finally stop listening to her hitchhiking experiences as a teenager and nap(which were awesome but not for 12 hours). I was sleeping for about 15 minutes and I felt a poke and she said “Dinner is going to be served soon”. I looked around and there was no food cart in sight. UM define SOON LADY what is soon to you?? Soon to me is give me a 1 minute heads up before they get to our seat so I can have a few moments to decide on chicken or beef. She caught me in my confusion and said “I remember the time when my husband and I first met” and then we discussed relationships and marriage and love for the next 11 hours and I never got to nap or watch the new Wallace and Gromit movie.

4. The cinephile: The cinephile is a pleasant person when their headphones are out but once they are in..they get completely lost in the world of cinema and they are totally unaware of their surroundings. They are extremely obnoxious and don’t realize that just because they can’t hear us we can’t hear them. I hear you muhfcka. I once sat next to a sweet old lady, which seems to be a trend with me, although I always imagine coincidentally being seated next to a hunky man who I give my dinner rolls to but that’s never happened. She had a great sense of humour which obviously meant she loved watching comedies. Babygirl pressed play on this one Adam Sandler movie and all hell broke loose. She was laughing way too loud and at every damn scene while I was innocently sitting there trying to read a book on Islam. Her constant laughter which basically was triggered by nothing because Adam Sandler is not even that funny lasted a whole two hours. She laughed so loudly and would also make eye contact with me as if I were supposed to laugh with her but babygirl I is reading a book we are not sharing this experience. I wasn’t that upset about not being able to read because I found it pretty hilarious and also it gave me a reason not to read because let’s be honest I’m basically illiterate but the man next to her was hardly impressed and looked like this the entire flight:

giphy
Also babygirl watched not one movie, not two, but three muhfcking movies and they were all comedies. Babygirl choose a different genre like the girl behind us who has silent tears running down her face because i think she’s watching the fault in our stars. Because now you are just being selfish because everyone on the plane is trying to sleep while you are enjoying these movies as if these were your last hours on earth.

5. The sleeper: This is the worst person depending on how comfortable you are with strangers sleepin on you (not with you. This is very different). I don’t mind if someone is a lil sleepy and without realizing rests their head on my shoulder for a lil bit. We’ve all done it and we wake up all embarrassed and excuse ourselves. The sleeper though, gets too carried away and doesn’t just let their head fall on u for a few minutes. The sleeper basically spoons you and makes you their plane pillow and makes it impossible for you to get up to use the washroom or read your book. They also make it super awkward for you during any mealtime because you never know if The sleeper wants to be woken to eat or not because  they’re always gotdamn sleeping when the flight attendant comes by.
6. The drifter: This person does not belong anywhere!! They don’t have a ticket and if they do wallahi that seat doesn’t exist. When you finally find your seat on the plane, The drifter is always in your seat before you and you have to explain to them that they are actually sitting in your seat. You have to have this certain tone when you deal with The drifter that says you don’t care about assigned seating and you would sit anywhere if you could but that’s just how it is and it would just f up the system for someone else if you were to sit in their seat and so on. Before moving The drifter looks at your ticket, at their neighbour’s ticket, at the seat number and all around and always asks the same damn thing: “Well then what seat is mine?”. UM how am I supposed to know I am not TripCentral nor do i work for the airline just gtfo of my seat that is not my problem you know you probably have a middle seat waiting for you somewhere between 2 babies don’t play that game with me drifter. When you finally get to sit in your seat, you will always hear the same conversation replay somewhere behind you where the drifter is trying to take someone else’s seat.

Mean-Girls-Meme-She-Doesnt-Even-Go-Here-12

7. The baby hater: Crazy crying babies, although most definitely are the worst, do not make the list. I can’t hate on babies on flights because chances are if a crying baby is bothering me, the parents of that baby feel it 10x more. It’s that muhfckin eye roller who can’t even try and tolerate a screaming baby that I hate. Babies are asses that’s what they do; don’t make their parents feel bad for deciding to bring baby Rajdeep  along so that their relatives in India can finally see his crying ass for the first time. Chill the f out, put some earplugs in, and block the noise out. Or do what I do and embrace the situation by trying to make it worse by making faces like this at baby Rajdeep while his parents aren’t looking:

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