This is not my usual list blog post. This is a retell of something weird and hilarious that happened to me last year. It involves the highway, Beyoncé, and mascara. LEMME EXPLAIN. (I am already setting you up for disappointment because this is very misleading SRY).
So I commute to work every morning about 45 minutes. I take the same gotdam highway every morning. And every morning, I leave between 6:45am-7:30am. LOL cuz I snooze so fckn hard!! So a pretty broad time frame. Anyways. One of these mornings, I’m driving on the highway and I’m jamming out so hard to queen Bey and pretty much twerking in my seat, not because I’m excited to work but because I am sew sad and these are literally my last few minutes of freedom before I am sent to the fckin ELECTRIC CHAIR. Kidding, it’s not that bad. More just like waterboarding or smthg. ALSO KIDDING torture is so not funny. But yeah, work is great, life is great. Anyways, while I’m queen of the dancehall, I turn to look at my right because I realize I’m in public and should prolly chill the f out, and sure enough, there is a guy in the car next to me smiling his face off. But of course. So I did what any sensible person would do in an embarrassing situation, I covered the side of my face, sped up from 110 to 300km/h, and drove myself off a cliff. In other words, I switched lanes really quickly. So not a big deal though, because, I will never have to see this boy ever again!!!
FAST FORWARD to a month later when I saw this boy again!!! Driving once again on the same highway, same car, same gyal, same Beyonce, but this time playing one man car-aoke (which is the best because I always win because not only am I the only contestant, I am also the judge). To earn extra points you really gotta feel the music and sing inspiringly, so you best believe I was in it to win it. As I’m belting out I DON’T NEED YOU SEEING YONCE ON HER KNEES, I look to my right (that’s right y’all, I’m always in the left lane cuz I’m speedy af), and there is the same homeboy in his same damn car watching me and smiling very big. I gave an embarrassed smile like “ya I know, fml right”, and kept driving without ever looking to the side. Blind spots: whosemans; not mine.
Some more time passes, possibly another month or two, and I see the same guy on the highway yet again. This time, for once, I am not doing anything embarrassing, thankfully. I am just driving normally with my hands at 10 and 2 and listening to news radio because I need to be prepared when students throw knowledge at me that I cannot handle (which is mostly always, and never not). He sees me and he mouths the words “Why aren’t you dancing?” UM because I’m not a circus performer!?!?! BIIIIIIIIII****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is what I mouthed back. Kidding. I just shrugged and replied “Not today”. I waved goodbye and continued on. I also patted myself on the back for being so very chill and cool and nonchalant with someone who (is this one of those time I’m supposed to used whom?) I have embarrassed myself in front of twice. God I am so freakin mature.
Much more time passes. I think maybe 3-4 months. I’m driving on the highway when I sense the same car has been driving next to me for some time. I turn and see that it’s my highway friend who I haven’t seen in so long. We are pretty much besties now and I wave at him. I turn to focus on the road for a sec and look back and he has his number, scribbled down on a sheet of paper, pressed up against his window, which he’s holding up with one hand and he’s driving with his other. Damn this guy moves fast. Not only cuz I don’t even know him but he is literally driving 120 on the highway. So I think about this carefully, like hmm…should I give this guy my number or play hard to get. LOL not time to play hard to get you is on the highway girl. Pretty soon to be bye-way…..sorry…..So I decide fine, I will take this boy’s number down but then I remember OH I CANT DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE fml this is an issue. Walking and talking is hard for me. This dude expects me to drive and WRITE. Hell nah. I take out my phone and I’m trying to drive with one hand on this highway whilst maintaining my envious speed, at the same time I’m stealing glances at this boy’s window to take his number down. After 8 tries i finally get his number down and I give him a thumbs up. It doesn’t end here. I think he senses he cannot trust me, (very accurate), and mouths “Call me”.
Him: (motioning to his phone) Call me!
This guy. I call the 10 digits that took me a whole year to type up, and for some reason it’s not working. I’m looking at him like uh sorry? I don’t know why you assumed I could do a thing. LOL. He is now really stressin like why can’t this girl do a thing? He is also stressing because he has definitely missed his exit and has also probably realized he hasn’t looked at the road even once. He decides to take matters into his own hands and puts his window down while motioning for me to do the same. I put my window down and he yells PULL OVER!!!!!
Me: I can’t pull over is you crazy!?!
Him: PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I somehow manage to pull onto the left shoulder after a lot of “you got this”s and “you can do this”s. He pulls over behind me and as he’s getting out of his car, I realize I have only one eye with makeup on and the other is naked. Yes, I sleep 1 extra minute every night because I do my makeup in the car on the way to work. Which is basically just 6 strokes of mascara (both eyes combined, tops only). I quickly pull out my mascara as he’s walking to my car and I rush to finish the other side and toss that shit to the ground so quick and turn to look casually to my window which is now down, where he’s at.
Also me: Oh hey
But mostly me: Lololololol hiya pal!
Him: I’ve been wanting to get your number for so long but I haven’t seen you in forever! I missed my exit about 3 exits ago. Had to make sure you had my number.
We introduce ourselves to each other and share a one two lol then wish each other a good day at work before he gets back into his car and back onto the highway. He called me 2 minutes later telling me how late he is to work but that he doesn’t care because I’m his soulmate and nothing else matters in this world and will I run away with him. Well maybe he said something different in that last part; but probably close enough maybe definitely.
My highway crush and I never actually met up, believe it or not. We texted a few times and spoke on the phone but that was about it. I felt like I might not like him if we met up and wanted to have an awesome memory of that moment, because of how cool it was that I bumped into him so many times on the freakin highway. But I mostly didn’t meet up with him because his geography wasn’t the best LOL. #whereisturkey