Story time: My highway crush 

This is not my usual list blog post. This is a retell of something weird and hilarious that happened to me last year. It involves the highway, Beyoncé, and mascara. LEMME EXPLAIN. (I am already setting you up for disappointment because this is very misleading SRY).

So I commute to work every morning about 45 minutes. I take the same gotdam highway every morning. And every morning, I leave between 6:45am-7:30am. LOL cuz I snooze so fckn hard!! So a pretty broad time frame. Anyways. One of these mornings, I’m driving on the highway and I’m jamming out so hard to queen Bey and pretty much twerking in my seat, not because I’m excited to work but because I am sew sad and these are literally my last few minutes of freedom before I am sent to the fckin ELECTRIC CHAIR. Kidding, it’s not that bad. More just like waterboarding or smthg. ALSO KIDDING torture is so not funny. But yeah, work is great, life is great. Anyways, while I’m queen of the dancehall, I turn to look at my right because I realize I’m in public and should prolly chill the f out, and sure enough, there is a guy in the car next to me smiling his face off. But of course. So I did what any sensible person would do in an embarrassing situation, I covered the side of my face, sped up from 110 to 300km/h, and drove myself off a cliff. In other words, I switched lanes really quickly. So not a big deal though, because, I will never have to see this boy ever again!!!

FAST FORWARD to a month later when I saw this boy again!!! Driving once again on the same highway, same car, same gyal, same Beyonce, but this time playing one man car-aoke (which is the best because I always win because not only am I the only contestant, I am also the judge). To earn extra points you really gotta feel the music and sing inspiringly, so you best believe I was in it to win it. As I’m belting out I DON’T NEED YOU SEEING YONCE ON HER KNEES, I look to my right (that’s right y’all, I’m always in the left lane cuz I’m speedy af), and there is the same homeboy in his same damn car watching me and smiling very big. I gave an embarrassed smile like “ya I know, fml right”, and kept driving without ever looking to the side. Blind spots: whosemans; not mine.

Some more time passes, possibly another month or two, and I see the same guy on the highway yet again. This time, for once, I am not doing anything embarrassing, thankfully. I am just driving normally with my hands at 10 and 2 and listening to news radio because I need to be prepared when students throw knowledge at me that I cannot handle (which is mostly always, and never not). He sees me and he mouths the words “Why aren’t you dancing?” UM because I’m not a circus performer!?!?! BIIIIIIIIII****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is what I mouthed back. Kidding. I just shrugged and replied “Not today”. I waved goodbye and continued on. I also patted myself on the back for being so very chill and cool and nonchalant with someone who (is this one of those time I’m supposed to used whom?) I have embarrassed myself in front of twice. God I am so freakin mature.

Much more time passes. I think maybe 3-4 months. I’m driving on the highway when I sense the same car has been driving next to me for some time. I turn and see that it’s my highway friend who I haven’t seen in so long. We are pretty much besties now and I wave at him. I turn to focus on the road for a sec and look back and he has his number, scribbled down on a sheet of paper, pressed up against his window, which he’s holding up with one hand and he’s driving with his other. Damn this guy moves fast. Not only cuz I don’t even know him but he is literally driving 120 on the highway. So I think about this carefully, like hmm…should I give this guy my number or play hard to get. LOL not time to play hard to get you is on the highway girl. Pretty soon to be bye-way…..sorry…..So I decide fine, I will take this boy’s number down but then I remember OH I CANT DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE fml this is an issue. Walking and talking is hard for me. This dude expects me to drive and WRITE. Hell nah. I take out my phone and I’m trying to drive with one hand on this highway whilst maintaining my envious speed, at the same time I’m stealing glances at this boy’s window to take his number down. After 8 tries i finally get his number down and I give him a thumbs up. It doesn’t end here. I think he senses he cannot trust me, (very accurate), and mouths “Call me”.

Me: HUH

Him: (motioning to his phone) Call me!

This guy. I call the 10 digits that took me a whole year to type up, and for some reason it’s not working. I’m looking at him like uh sorry? I don’t know why you assumed I could do a thing. LOL. He is now really stressin like why can’t this girl do a thing? He is also stressing because he has definitely missed his exit and has also probably realized he hasn’t looked at the road even once. He decides to take matters into his own hands and puts his window down while motioning for me to do the same. I put my window down and he yells PULL OVER!!!!!

Me: NO!

Him: YES

Me: I can’t pull over is you crazy!?!

Him: PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Me: ok

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I somehow manage to pull onto the left shoulder after a lot of “you got this”s and “you can do this”s. He pulls over behind me and as he’s getting out of his car, I realize I have only one eye with makeup on and the other is naked. Yes, I sleep 1 extra minute every night because I do my makeup in the car on the way to work. Which is basically just 6 strokes of mascara (both eyes combined, tops only). I quickly pull out my mascara as he’s walking to my car and I rush to finish the other side and toss that shit to the ground so quick and turn to look casually to my window which is now down, where he’s at.

Me: Hey

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Also me: Oh hey

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But mostly me: Lololololol hiya pal!

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Him: I’ve been wanting to get your number for so long but I haven’t seen you in forever! I missed my exit about 3 exits ago. Had to make sure you had my number.

We introduce ourselves to each other and share a one two lol then wish each other a good day at work before he gets back into his car and back onto the highway. He called me 2 minutes later telling me how late he is to work but that he doesn’t care because I’m his soulmate and nothing else matters in this world and will I run away with him. Well maybe he said something different in that last part; but probably close enough maybe definitely.

My highway crush and I never actually met up, believe it or not. We texted a few times and spoke on the phone but that was about it. I felt like I might not like him if we met up and wanted to have an awesome memory of that moment, because of how cool it was that I bumped into him so many times on the freakin highway. But I mostly didn’t meet up with him because his geography wasn’t the best LOL. #whereisturkey

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The 7 worst types of people you find on a plane

I love travelling but I hate planes. I get so restless and antsy and bored and I would sleep if I could but you already know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in them economy seats. Aisle seats are awesome for washroom trips but terrible for sleeping.

Sidenote: I never actually have to use the washroom. I just make a few “washroom trips” so i can make eye contact with all da cute boys on my way to the washroom. At least that’s what I hope for but there are NEVER cute boys on planes. Just this:

oldmenplane

#justcutemen

I tried to look up a picture to demonstrate just how uncomfortable it is but I couldn’t find what i was looking for. I wanted to find an image that captured that awful pain of having your head perpendicular to your neck but none existed.

Sidenote: I don’t know why but the first thing i searched when looking for a plane sleeping pic was “kanye sleeping” and holy f da results. So many sleepy kanyes.

Instead here is a drawing to illustrate the plane aisle sleep pains:

sleepyplane

This picture is super accurate except for one thing: it is slightly censored. This is much more accurate:

sleepyplane2

Sidenote: Chill my hand is only there because it’s a warm spot and planes be cold af.

You would think that spending your flight fighting the development of osteoarthritis would be enough, but unfortunately some of the passengers on the plane sitting next to you know how to make it that much worse. The following are the 7 worst types of people you can find on a plane:

1. The recliner: This person is technically the worst person to sit behind. This is the person who doesn’t ask you if they can recline their seat and just does it abruptly while you’re doing one of these:

airplane-sleep

Once I was on a flight sitting next to a cute asian girl wearing a huge canada goose jacket. Everything was cool; she was quietly sitting in her hot jacket with her elbows on the food tray and her head in her hands and I was listening to some baby-making music on my ipod and every now and then I would look over at her and give her a sweet smile. All of a sudden, the man in front of her decided to recline his seat all the way back without asking her or giving her a heads up and because she was sitting far up in her seat and her jacket was so big she started getting crushed by the seat in front. The goose fur and the seat got all up in her lungs and all she could manage to say was “so….crose” and I was just watching with this confused look on my face because I thought she said gross but she said close.

I can’t remember how she was rescued but it wasn’t me because I was too busy staring in disbelief but also listening to d’angelo and feelin some type of way. I think The recliner somehow sensed he was crushing a small girl and released his chair and babygirl was left trying to catch her breath. I gave her one those “hmm…sucks that that just happened eh” looks and turned back to my seat. There was not much to say because if you are behind a recliner your only options are to sit there with a stupid look on your face and be uncomfortable meanwhile The recliner is in ergonomic paradise, or recline your own chair against your will and even though you felt like reading a book nope you’re now takin a nap babygirl.

2. The traveler: This is for when you get stuck in the aisle and there are 5 people sitting next to you who all depend on you to get up out of your seat to satisfy their tiny bladder needs. The courteous thing to do, if you are a middle or window seater, is to stay the fck seated unless you really need to get up. If you seriously gotta use the washroom or if the person sitting next to you is suspicious looking and you can hear a ticking sound coming from them and you need to inform someone; fine. Ask to be let out. Other then that…

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3. The storyteller: This person makes it impossible to sleep or watch a movie or read a book because they have so much to share with you. It’s nice at first because they will usually break the ice as soon as you sit down asking about where you’re off to and if you’ve been there before. Just don’t get too chummy! The storyteller is always looking to share their life experiences with someone and does not care about what you want to do. Once on a flight I had finally mustered up the courage to tell the sweet older lady next to me that I was going to finally stop listening to her hitchhiking experiences as a teenager and nap(which were awesome but not for 12 hours). I was sleeping for about 15 minutes and I felt a poke and she said “Dinner is going to be served soon”. I looked around and there was no food cart in sight. UM define SOON LADY what is soon to you?? Soon to me is give me a 1 minute heads up before they get to our seat so I can have a few moments to decide on chicken or beef. She caught me in my confusion and said “I remember the time when my husband and I first met” and then we discussed relationships and marriage and love for the next 11 hours and I never got to nap or watch the new Wallace and Gromit movie.

4. The cinephile: The cinephile is a pleasant person when their headphones are out but once they are in..they get completely lost in the world of cinema and they are totally unaware of their surroundings. They are extremely obnoxious and don’t realize that just because they can’t hear us we can’t hear them. I hear you muhfcka. I once sat next to a sweet old lady, which seems to be a trend with me, although I always imagine coincidentally being seated next to a hunky man who I give my dinner rolls to but that’s never happened. She had a great sense of humour which obviously meant she loved watching comedies. Babygirl pressed play on this one Adam Sandler movie and all hell broke loose. She was laughing way too loud and at every damn scene while I was innocently sitting there trying to read a book on Islam. Her constant laughter which basically was triggered by nothing because Adam Sandler is not even that funny lasted a whole two hours. She laughed so loudly and would also make eye contact with me as if I were supposed to laugh with her but babygirl I is reading a book we are not sharing this experience. I wasn’t that upset about not being able to read because I found it pretty hilarious and also it gave me a reason not to read because let’s be honest I’m basically illiterate but the man next to her was hardly impressed and looked like this the entire flight:

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Also babygirl watched not one movie, not two, but three muhfcking movies and they were all comedies. Babygirl choose a different genre like the girl behind us who has silent tears running down her face because i think she’s watching the fault in our stars. Because now you are just being selfish because everyone on the plane is trying to sleep while you are enjoying these movies as if these were your last hours on earth.

5. The sleeper: This is the worst person depending on how comfortable you are with strangers sleepin on you (not with you. This is very different). I don’t mind if someone is a lil sleepy and without realizing rests their head on my shoulder for a lil bit. We’ve all done it and we wake up all embarrassed and excuse ourselves. The sleeper though, gets too carried away and doesn’t just let their head fall on u for a few minutes. The sleeper basically spoons you and makes you their plane pillow and makes it impossible for you to get up to use the washroom or read your book. They also make it super awkward for you during any mealtime because you never know if The sleeper wants to be woken to eat or not because  they’re always gotdamn sleeping when the flight attendant comes by.
6. The drifter: This person does not belong anywhere!! They don’t have a ticket and if they do wallahi that seat doesn’t exist. When you finally find your seat on the plane, The drifter is always in your seat before you and you have to explain to them that they are actually sitting in your seat. You have to have this certain tone when you deal with The drifter that says you don’t care about assigned seating and you would sit anywhere if you could but that’s just how it is and it would just f up the system for someone else if you were to sit in their seat and so on. Before moving The drifter looks at your ticket, at their neighbour’s ticket, at the seat number and all around and always asks the same damn thing: “Well then what seat is mine?”. UM how am I supposed to know I am not TripCentral nor do i work for the airline just gtfo of my seat that is not my problem you know you probably have a middle seat waiting for you somewhere between 2 babies don’t play that game with me drifter. When you finally get to sit in your seat, you will always hear the same conversation replay somewhere behind you where the drifter is trying to take someone else’s seat.

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7. The baby hater: Crazy crying babies, although most definitely are the worst, do not make the list. I can’t hate on babies on flights because chances are if a crying baby is bothering me, the parents of that baby feel it 10x more. It’s that muhfckin eye roller who can’t even try and tolerate a screaming baby that I hate. Babies are asses that’s what they do; don’t make their parents feel bad for deciding to bring baby Rajdeep  along so that their relatives in India can finally see his crying ass for the first time. Chill the f out, put some earplugs in, and block the noise out. Or do what I do and embrace the situation by trying to make it worse by making faces like this at baby Rajdeep while his parents aren’t looking:

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5 reasons why it takes arab girls so long to get ready for a date

Boys are great and also great to hang out with. Albeit I don’t do it often; not because I’m pious and conservative or whatever. It’s because it takes so GOTDAM long to prepare.

shavin

Sidenote: Let’s be real: it’s not like there is a plethora of boys tryna hang out with me. 99% of my hangouts involve my girls, a depressing amount of food, and us sadly and regretfully eating it. Well actually, the sadness comes after. While it’s happening we all look like this:

happyfood

But men do not understand the hardships we face before meeting up with them. DO NOT complain if we are 20 minutes late. UM do you know what I had to do to get here. Do u know what I had to endure in order to be sitting here in front of you, looking cute as shit?? Please read the following and be enlightened:

Sidenote: That happy kid eating is making me sew happy right now. I’m dancing and moving side to side along with him.

1. Da outfit: Even if 95% of the time I end up wearing the same jeans and shirt that I always do because it’s the only outfit I own, the mental stress we go through deciding what we will wear is unreal. If I know I am going to meet up with a dude at the end of the week, I will spend all my free minutes thinking of outfit combinations. For example, all my free shower thoughts will be spent on remembering all of my closet’s contents and calculating fcking permutations to figure out the most possible combinations of outfits. If I really dig the guy I’m about to see, u best believe im asking all da girls for ideas on what to wear because they know what you own. Also be checking good ol’ pinterest for “cute fall outfits” LOL.

2. Scheming: Holy f the scheming. The web of lies that must be told in order to meet up for just a 2 hour coffee. You need to make sure all your girls are on board with your plans for the night if they are your alibis so that you won’t later shit your pants when you get the text of death from one of them. “Your mom is calling me”. And if you are like me and super bad at lying, for some reason you cannot just tell a simple lie like “hey going to coffee with (insert a girl’s name here)”. No. Your lie has a freakin background story and a plot and a narrative and effing protagonists and antagonists and a climax and conflict and the solution is you friggen going to coffee for two hours with (insert a girl’s name here).

Ex:

me: mom just gonna go grab coffee with Fatima* (*Fatima is not a real person in my life but is a real person in someone else’s life, thus she is a real person).

mom: ok

Now this is where it ends. SIKE because I am lying out of my ass my nerves make me keep talking and saying shit that needn’t be said GOTDAMN.

me: she’s a friend from school you’ve never met her before but we study together all the time.

mom: ok

me: ya she’s just been feeling kind of down lately and I’m going to cheer her up.

mom: ok

(Thought it ended? nooope.)

me: ya i don’t know. she did really poorly on her exam and she thinks she might get kicked out of her program.

mom: ok

me: ya she usually does pretty well but i don’t know what happened. It’s probably because her grandma recently passed and she was unable to study because she was so upset.

mom: ok

me: ya she was really close to her. she practically raised her while she was growing up. she told me she thought she was her real mom at one point because of how close they were.

and then eventually you just get to a point where you make eye contact with your mom and you know she knows you know she know’s you’re full of shit but you’ve come this far and you can’t give up now and you just gotta quickly get the FCK outta there before she starts asking questions like where does Fatima live and why hasn’t she ever heard of her til now and why doesn’t she just come over for coffee instead of us going somewhere and spending money.

3. Showing face: For some reason “showing face” is a thing. It’s where you don’t just leave as soon as you’re ready like everyone on the planet does. Instead, when you’re ready, you have to spend weird quality time with your parents. They will most likely be watching the news in the family room, and you just have to literally sit there for 5-10 minutes making small talk and making comments about what they’re watching. You basically have to put your parents’ suspicions at ease and let them know this is not a hotel and you are not just using them for food and sleep.

4. The too cute for coffee outfit: If I’m just meeting up for coffee with Fatima, why on earth did I spend 3 hours getting ready and why do I smell so damn good and why’s my face on fleek and why am I wearing those heels. (Sike I never wear heels but I be smellin’ good.) Or, even worst, I look so cute but in order not to be bait I throw over a decoy outfit on top and because I’m in a rush the easiest thing to put on/take off in the car is a pair of sweatpants over my sexy pants. So now it looks like I spent hours getting ready to wear sweats. And now your parents looking at you like why’s she wearing sweatpants with heels and smellin good as shit.

shade

5. Getting picked up: I generally prefer meeting up somewhere because the anxiety surrounding being picked up by a boy in front of my house is too muhfckin real. Sometimes they will insist or my car has been stolen by a member of my family and I have no choice. Timing is everything and you cannot leave your house until all factors have been taken care of. I can’t just leave as soon as I get the “I’m outside” text. My parents are always chillin somewhere in my house and it’s obviously always somewhere that’s in plain view of “Fatima’s” car. And don’t question why I asked you to park in front of the mailbox when I live 20 houses up the street from there. One of my girls told me that before she got married to her husband, in order to minimize the stress of being dropped off, he wouldn’t fully stop the car and she would pull one of these every time they got to her house:

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So yeah, if we’re a lil late to meet up with you it’s not because we’re inconsiderate princesses that can’t keep track of time. Please appreciate the efforts outlined above that we put in to see you. ( I don’t know who my target audience is anymore. Who is my target audience doe????????)

5 fun games to play in the car with your friends

I don’t know about you but I HATE long commutes. My data plan sucks so I can’t sit there and instagram for 4 hours. Also I don’t like sitting for long because I just end up falling asleep and also it’s ten times harder to do this with your friends when you’re all sitting:

hiphopdance

or this:

car dance

I remember (because I just graduated lol) having to travel about 3 hours in one direction home from school on the weekends I decided to visit my family. 3 hours is not the longest time, but it can feel like a lifetime. It’s fun when you travel with your pals but after the first hour and 10th timmies break, you start getting a little antsy and you need a lil sum sum to keep yourselves entertained. Below are 5 games that I recommend trying out if you find yourself on a long or boring commute or road trip with friends:

1. Car Idol: My friend coined the term car-aoke once which is also a lot of fun but I enjoy the competitive aspect of car idol. I play this often with my siblings on family road trips and shit gets real. Basically you can agree on a single song that everyone takes turns singing or everyone can choose their own song. Whatever the case, each passenger has a turn singing their song and at the end of their performance they get an individual score out of a 10 from everyone else in the car. You can decide to either have a judge that doesn’t compete or if everyone is in car idol then everyone is also a judge. I like the second one more because it leads to more bias and also alliances can be formed.

2. Pepper munch: This game originated a few years back when a lone green pepper had rolled out of my mom’s shopping bag and was chilling on the floor of our car. I was supposed to drive my brothers somewhere and I saw the pepper in the passenger’s side in my mo-ther’s ride, tryna holler at me. So I picked it up, found a string, and obviously tied it to my rearview mirror. OBViously what else was I supposed to do? We then proceeded to drive around and pray for red lights where we would roll up next to someone in their car, try and get their attention, and I would obnoxiously bite into the pepper and eat it while it was still hanging by a string. It gets a lot of laughs, more so just from yourself because the confusion is too real and people don’t know how to react. Although people may just stare or even laugh, this is really the reaction you’re aiming for:

snoop

So this is where the game comes in. You can choose to tie anything you want to your rearview and just go around and try to get peoples’ attention while you and whoever’s sitting in the front with you try to eat the hanging food. Oh and NO hands!!

Sidenote: For advanced players, play on the highway with no red lights.

3. Red light: I haven’t played this game in a long time but it’s a favourite of mine. This should be played without the driver’s knowledge (or consent) for greater shock factor. In secret decide with one other passenger that you are down to play and decide which way you’ll both be running. One will be the clockwise runner and the other will be counter clockwise. The best way is to do this via text so it’s a total shock to the driver. This is what preparations should look like (and also if I were playing the game with myself):

meme-from-iphonetextgenerator

It’s essential that you choose the red lights that you see turn red from yellow to ensure enough time. The rules are simple. Come to a stop at the red light, bust those doors open and run around the car in your decided direction. Whoever runs more laps around the car before the light turns green wins. In the past I’ve gotten 1-2 laps because I’m a scaredy cat.

4. Roller coaster: This game requires a sunroof and as with probably all of these mentioned games, no police around. It’s basically this and you can choose to go solo or in pairs or whatever:

sunroof

There are two variations of this game:

A. Tell the driver you’re goin up and make them give you the true roller coaster treatment by swerving and driving fast. Hands in the air!

Sidenote: I tried thinking of a good Throw your hands in the air, if yous a true player meme but I couldn’t and this is what I came up with instead:

crombie

This needs a caption because I don’t even think half of Sauga will understand this. This is Bonnie Crombie who is running for mayor because my bbg Hazel is finally stepping down since she has been mayor since 400 BC.

B. Don’t tell the driver shit and surprise them by quickly blasting through their sunroof at unsuspecting times.

5. Title: This game’s title is whatever you choose your topic to be. I love playing this game but I’m usually the only person who ever wants to play. Everyone gets really bored of this game while I get super into it. Choose a general topic such as tv shows and then ask in a really annoying voice “Hey guys wanna play TV” and then everyone groans and then you will probably volunteer to go first. You start by naming a tv show and everyone will then take turns listing any show they can think of without repetition. If you can’t think of one on your turn you are out. Because I don’t really care about winning and just want to force everyone to play, if someone is out of answers, I will usually give them like 10 mins to come up with an answer because EVERYONE HAS TO PLAY (I’m that person). I like geography-related topics such as European countries or US states and I’m also the jerk who yells NOPE DENVER’S NOT A STATE!

Another reason this game is great is that it’s really easy to come up with fake answers. If you play Movies it’s basically you just making random word combinations to create believable movie titles. How do you know The Blogger is not a real movie? Back your fake movie up with a quick fake movie synopsis and a fake review or back up that fake tv show by singing a fake theme song. I also love making up random African sounding countries while playing Africa and having people go “oh snap that’s the one I couldn’t think of!” and I’m all:

mariah

Basically, make the most of your long drives. If I wasn’t on the Rideshare Blacklist (LOL TRU STORY) I would totally play these with the strangers in the car. How funny would rollercoaster be in a stranger’s car without the driver’s consent? Answer: VERY. Prolly another reason why I’ve been blacklisted.

5 things to do on the internet when you’re bored

HI so I don’t have a job or a life or ambitions etc etc etc. so I obviously usually find myself BORED AF whenever I’m not hanging out with friends or eating. Because this is actually all I do: EAT N CHILL. It sounds like the best which it maybe was 4 months ago but now I feel my brain and soul melting or whatever. Whenever I’m really bored at home I don’t do what I should be doing i.e. apply for jobs, clean my room, help make the world a better place or be by any means productive. I don’t even use that free time to make myself look feminine ie. wax my mustache/eyebrows/legs/other parts or do ma hurr or nails. Because I IS LAZY Y’ALL. But actually I will sit and stare at a wall and think about basically nothing and stare off into nothingness and make minor contributions to society. Or I reach for the next best thing which is my laptop! It’s super slow and laggy and the battery is completely dead and it’s a loud ass muhfu*ka so much so that when I skype with someone the fan is so loud they think I’m vacuuming. Like actually. I have one hand under my chin and the other is not in your screen view because it’s off vacuuming to the side.

LOL Sidenote: I have to answer a skype call like that one day. #inshallah

There are so many fun things to do on the internet outside of porn and facebook and netflix and streaming dance moms or big brother canada (U NO WHO U R). Below are the 5 best ways to entertain yoself on the internet:

1. Read YouTube comments: This is BY FAR my number one pastime. You will encounter the funniest, meanest, realest, bestest people on the planet and they all just bust out the real guns because the internet is ruthless. Just youtube whatever you’re into and find fascinating but instead of watching the actual video, scroll south and look for comments that have 15+ replies and expand those babies. I am currently comment-watching a 15min long interview with Ja Rule. NOBODY has time for that not even Ja im sure so instead just read the sweet comments like

mj

Basically it’s a lot of “I miss Ja”‘s (WHO R U LOL). Sometimes if you’re lucky you’ll catch a comment slip because sometimes it’s hard to know who’s pro and anti Ja cuz it’s hard to know who’s hard lovin n who’s straight thuggin. This happens commonly because if you’re not clear about your pro-ja stance, THIS could happen #classicmixup:

ja beef

2. Brush up on current events: LOL psychhh you thought I meant real news. I mean like moose news. I just created that term but it was inspired by an enthralling story that I am currently being captivated by about a moose that was sooo thirsty he got his drank on at a sprinkler. LOLZ so crazy because how did he know how to use it he is an animal and that is a human device. To be the most knowledgeable on such events which you should always strive for, I like to read up on the exact same thing on several different news outlets and have all my tabs goin with different sources all talking about the same thing. For example, currently my tabs look like this:

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I just googled “moose sprinkler” and voila I got a million hits and watched so many moose drinking vids and found so many nice pics of this moose (AND OTHERS #blessed) drinking from man-made water sources. And also if you want to be really language-savvy you can compare the diction from all your different sources! “Thirsty moose drops to his knees to help himself to water”, “”Moose caught on camera using sprinkler as a fountain”, “”GIANT MOOSE DRINKS FROM tiny sprinkler”, “Moose slurps from sprinkler”, “Moose chugging water from a sprinkler” and so on…

3. Have a gif dance party: Beware of this one because if you actually do want to eventually be productive this is highly addictive. Basically find a bunch of awesome dancing gifs or just any kind of movement and create your own playlist and have your gifs partaay together or solo. Mix up your genres too! From classic French music to French Montana. I’ll get you started:

dancing avici

dancing goose

dancing soulplane

dancing hardlyworking

dancing whoseline

4. Become a Wikipedia Masta: This will happen without even planning for it to happen because one moment you’ll be watching a ja rule documentary (which I pray doesn’t/does exist) and then the next moment you’ll be dying to know how many albums Ja has put out (considering his loyal and dedicated fans) and which one was his best selling album but then you get distracted by reading that he was raised as a Jehova’s witness and then you feel like wow I should really learn about them people and what it is they are always at my door about. So you click “Jehova’s witness” and come across the word “tithing” which you obviously must know the definition of immediately and then one thing leads to another and you’re learning about jewish law, and memoriziging all 613 of its commandments making you knowledgable and passionate enough to convert until you find out it’s hard AF to convert to judaism while this whole time you just wanted to know if “Livin it up” won a grammy. Sidenote: it didn’t but it was nominated #soclose.

5. Research Top _____ Lists: This well enable you to be the most well-rounded individual possible and be able to give solid advice. Go to google and do research on what is the best and the top of everything. I will quickly type out some examples at random off the top of my head: Best Somali restaurants in Georgetown, Top 10 places to skydive, 5 busiest shopping malls, Top 5 reasons Leo Dicap hasn’t won a grammy, 10 best ways to eliminate cellulite, 10 best ways to hide cellulite, 10 best ass implants, 5 best boob jobs, 5 best plastic surgeons in North America, (Side google cost of breast implants), Top 10 reasons having small breasts is good, and so on. If you’re ever in Georgetown and someone’s like hey I’m really cravin me some Somali, know any good places? You:

obvv